


All Sexy on the Western Front

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AmCan, America's POV, Crack, M/M, Smut, lulz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 12:10:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CRACKY AmCan! America and Canada find an abandoned tank during WW2. And have sexy times in it. While calling the enemy Axis on the radio and forcing them to listen. An epic trolling and lulz ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Sexy on the Western Front

**Author's Note:**

> This was for America's Nantucket :D Heads up for cracky AmCan sexy tiems, everybody!
> 
> Also, I'll go ahead and warn you that America makes a number of Nazi jokes, including two that reference the Holocaust. If you are sensitive about that sort of thing, I don't recommend reading.
> 
> America's POV :D

"Germany and his troops think they're so badass," I said to myself as I stuffed chocolate cake in my mouth. "Psssh. If they're so badass then why am I eating their cake?"

"America!" yelled Canada below. He was waving his arms. "Come down! What are you doing up on that tank? !"

Oh yeah. Forgot to mention I was sitting on top of a tank, kinda like it as the hood of a car. "Um, duh," I said. "Having a picnic."

Canada looked at me like having a picnic with chocolate cake on a tank was a weird thing to do. "Why are you up there though?"

"Duh! Picnics attract ants and I don't wanna get ants in my pants!" Imagine those little bugs crawling up my legs and scurrying around my nether bits. No thanks! !

"Okaaaay …" said Canada. "But did you know that's not one of your tanks? It's Germany's."

"Um, of course I know. Where else do you think I got the cake from?"

It was WW2, for those of you who were wondering. Yep, that's what we called it. I often wondered if that'd be it, or if there would be a WW3. And if so would it be like with the Godfather movies where the first two were awesome and the third was lame? Or like Toy Story where all three kicked major ass? Or what if there were a ton and they just kept going like WW3, WW4, WW5 and so on until you can't keep track anymore like with those Land Before Time movies?

Anyways, we were at war. I'd been kicking a lot of Nazi ass and sometimes some of Canada's troops joined me. Canada was like girls going to the bathroom. You know how one girl will be like, "Oh, I need to go to the bathroom" and then her friend will be like, "Oh, I'll come with you :) " That's how Canada is sometimes. I was like, "Hey, I'm going to the German front lines," and Canada was like "Oh, I'll come with you :) "

"What I don't understand …" said Canada, looking like he was thinking. "… is why Germany would abandon one of his tanks like this? He should have known one of the Allied troops had a decent chance of finding it."

"It's out of fuel," I said, still caking it up. "I already checked."

"Huh. You checked inside? Did you find anything that could be useful to us?"

"Yeah! It's in my mouth right now!"

Canada sighed. "Besides the cake …"

"Not really. Just normal tanky stuff. And chocolate cake."

Mmm … that chocolate cake was delicious! I know I should feel bad for liking it so much since it was German cake which made it Nazi cake. But I couldn't help it! I only sieg heil to flavor!

Canada climbed up on the tank. When he got close to me I pulled my cake close to me too, all defensively.

"Hey," I said, watching him open the hatch. "You got anything to write with? Like paint? Because I wanna write something on the side of the tank. Hehe, wouldn't that be funny?"

He started to climb down. "Yeah, I saw you tried with water or something – I don't know why you bothered. It's just going to evaporate."

"That wasn't water! I pissed on the side of the tank! I PISSED A WORD!"

"Oh, was that what that was? Well … you spelled 'penis' wrong."

"What?" Canada was down in the tank by then, so I chased after him. "How is it spelled? !"

"P-e-n-i-s."

"Huh? Isn't that what I wrote?"

"No. You put p-e-n-u-s."

"Oh … well, I guess you're the penis expert then, haha!"

"Haha," said Canada but in an annoyed way, for some reason, not like a laughing way. "Very funny."

I guess I should have known. You know what they say, there's no 'I' in penis! Just like in team! No wait, that's wrong. I did it again … there is an 'I' in penis. Okay, so there's no 'U' in penis.

… jeez that makes me seem hella lonely :(

(Get it? 'U'? Like 'you'? So sad. *Forever alone.*)

"Well, forget it," I said. "I'll just draw a penis." I'm a really good artist. It would be so funny! I'd draw it real long, like the length of the tank, like B==========D … and I'd draw a lot of little hairs on the balls because hairy balls are funny! That'll learn them damn Nazis! Because it'd be an AMERICAN penis! You can tell by its purple mountain top (HURR HURR) and the fact that it's circumcised. Nazis don't circumcise, eeeww! They gotta clean their dick cheese off. Nazi dick cheese.

Oh man. That made me think of cheesecake. Hgghh … if only there was some Nazi cheesecake in this tank …

"I don't have any paint!" said Canada. "Why the heck would I carry that with me on the battlefield?"

"For drawing penises on the side of your enemy's abandoned tanks, duh!" What a silly question …

"Well, no. I don't."

"Aww, man! But I gotta do something to deface this tank! I gotta rub it in those damn Nazis' faces!"

"You already urinated on the side of it …"

"Something BIGGER. Imagine when them Nazis come back for their tank and find something hilarious and demeaning done to it — like a big American dong painted on the side." I saluted, all patriotic like. "It's for the morale." (And the lulz.)

"Ugh …"

I should probably explain what things look like right now. Forgive my crappy story telling skillz, you guys. It's not that I'm bad at it, actually. It's that I was distracted by talking about the penises, LOL. Anyway, I don't know if you guys have ever seen the inside of a tank before, but it is CRAMPED. Oh, sure, it's big on the outside — but on the inside, it's full of little compartments squished by ammo and tanky bits. Canada and I were in the gunner's compartment. Which is really just a seat.

So, we were all squished up on each other.

"You're making me claustrophobic," whined Canada. Our faces were pressed together.

So I pushed his away. It squished up against the wall. "Me too! Get out of my bubble!"

"You get out of mine!"

"No, youuuuuuuu!"

"I was here first!"

"Nuh uh! I was here earlier! This cake didn't put itself in my mouth!"

It was such a cramped space. The crampiest of the cramped, like this Panzer had some serious PMS. Nazi PMS. That is the worst kind! !

It was literally just a seat — on one side, there was the wall. On the other, a big set of ammo, which was so big it might as well have been a wall, too. And in front was the radio. And another wall. We were squished between all this, sharing the seat. I had like half an ass cheek hanging off, and so did Canada on his side.

"Go sit in the driver's compartment," said Canada.

"Tell me something gross," I said.

"Eh?"

"I got an idea. I'll put something gross around the rim of the periscope. Then when the Germans return for the tank and use it, they'll put their eyes up to it and get something gross all around their eyes! They'll pull it away like 'Whaaaaat? ! Eeew! Oh, those clever Americans! FOILED AGAIN!'" I snapped my fingers, pretending to be a German in this hilarious situation. "'RATS!'" I hesitated. "No wait … 'NAZI RATS.' Hehe, yeah."

Canada shrugged. "I don't have anything gross."

"Aw, darn. Where's England and his nasty Marmite crap when you need him?" Or England and his nasty ANY foods, really. Or China with his nasty dog Chow Mein or tiger penis aphrodisiacs (true stories, you guys.) Or France with his nasty cheese (dick cheese, he is uncircumcised as well.) Or Russia with himself. Everything about that guy gives me a full blown case of the creeps. How the hell did I get allies like these? ?

"If you want to prank them," said Canada. " … how about we … uh … hmm … leave a note?"

"A note? ! ! ! !" Those exclamation points with my question mark meant I was shocked! "What kind of lame idea is that? !"

"I was just trying to help!"

Canada is so polite. Pffft, I can see it now. It'd look like this:

Dear Germany & Friends,

America and I have stumbled upon your abandoned tank. So it is with great amusement that we would like to say that we are rubbing this in your face. So there! We discovered your tank. EH! ! And that is all. But sorry :(

Love, Canada.

P.S. Beavers rule! !

Canada loves apologizing to people just randomly. It's part of his lame politeness.

"Your idea sucks," I said.

"Sorry." See? Told you. It's kinda funny because he says it like sore-ee instead of the right way like sar-ee. Because there's totally an a in there, you guys! Wait, crap …

One half of me pressed against Canada's, getting all sweaty. "It's hot as balls in here."

"Yeah, it's pretty stuffy, eh? Let's climb back out. I don't think there's much useful for us in here—"

"NO WAIT."

"… what?"

I stared straight ahead. "Oh, man. Canada. I just got an idea."

"Oh no, I don't like that look." Canada followed my eyes and saw that I was looking at the radio transmitter. "Oh, this won't end well …"

"Hehe, of course it will!" I said. "We have a way to taunt the Nazis! This is awesome." I started fiddling with the dial. "What should we say? It's gotta be cool and badass!"

"I don't know if this is such a good idea …"

"Oh come on, Captain Wet Blanket of Lame-ada—"

"What? That wasn't even funny—"

There was a crackle and I knew I'd found the right frequency. "Oh snap!"

"Don't do this!" said Canada. "What if the Germans retaliate?"

"Uh … they're already trying to take over the world. I don't think they can retaliate any more than that … unless you meant Nazis are trying to take over the moon. Oh my God, are Nazis trying to take over the moon? !" Could you imagine? ! Striking the swastika flag in the moony ground, doing sieg heil salutes floating around in little gravity, saying 'One small step for man, one giant leap for Nazis!' NOOOOOO!

"No, Nazis are not trying to take over the moon!" said Canada.

"Oh, phew, thank capitalism …"

"Hello?" said a voice on the radio. "Can you hear me?"

"Eeeee!" I squeaked in excitement. I looked over to Canada like :D even though he was like o_o and shaking his head no. I nodded back, still with a huge grin on my face. He mouthed back, "Don't do it."

Oh, but I did. "Yo," I said to the radio transmitter. "This is the United States of fuckin' America. And your tank just got JACKED! By meeeee!"

"Vat?" said some angry German voice on the other end. "Vat do you mean 'jacked'?"

"I mean my fat ass is sitting in it right now! You know, the one you abandoned because it was out of fuel? I found it."

"Scheisse …"

"I think that's actually Germany," whispered Canada.

"Sweet!" I said. "Hey, Germany! How many Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"America, don't!" said Canada.

"I refuse to answer your ridiculous joke," said Germany.

"AAAAEENNNT!" I buzzed with my mouth. "WRONG! The answer is NO ONE KNOWS! Because if you question anything the Nazis do, even screwing light bulbs, it's a one way ticket to Ausch—"

"AMERICA!" interrupted Canada. "Dude, not cool! That's offensive!"

"Whaaaaat? I'm making fun of the Nazis. You know? Because they're BAD?"

"Veee~ Who are you talking to, Germany?" said another voice on the radio.

"Shhh! Be quiet, Italy," said Germany. "Go play outside while grownups are talking."

"But I feel safer in heeeere!"

"Oh dude!" I exclaimed. "Italy's there too? ! This is epic! HEY ITALY! How many fascist Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"Do you know any jokes besides light bulb ones, jeez …" bitched Canada.

"I dunno, how many?" asked Italy.

"Three — one to eat pasta, another to lay around and sleep, and one to get in the way as a German Nazi does it for him." LOL BUUUUUURN!

"Hahaha …" chuckled Germany. "So true … I mean, NEIN! How dare you joke about Italy and I in our own personal tank!"

"Oh?" I said, grinning. "This one was personally yours, huh? What happened? Did Italy put marinara sauce in the fuel tank or something? HAHAHA!"

"VAT? !" barked Germany. "NO!"

"Yeah, that'd be a waste of good marinara sauce!" said Italy.

"Well, that just makes this even funnier …" I said.

"Makes vat funnier?" asked Germany.

"The fact that I'm totally gonna deface your tank."

"Veee~!" whined Italy like a little bitch. "Oh no, Germany! That's our tank!"

"Shh, Italy, I'll handle this," said Germany.

"You can handle it by getting all pissed off! Or crying! Your choice, it's up to you."

"Noooooo …" That was Italy whining by the way.

"YESSSSSS!" I said back. "Let me think … how should I do it, hmm?"

"Just draw a picture of a penis on something, and let's go!" said Canada. Oh yeah! He was in this story, wasn't he? LOL I forgot.

"Who was that?" asked Germany.

Canada sighed. "Of course … no one ever remembers …"

"It's Canada! Duh!" LOL, I should have typed Canaduh. That would have been funny.

"Oh … of course …" said Germany, who sounded confused. "That guy … who does that thing … with the thing …"

Canada face-palmed.

"ANYWAY! I said very loudly. I was tired of Canada hogging the spotlight. Back to meeee! "What shall I do? I have a few ideas. I could hawk a big loogie on the steering wheel, or take a poop on your controls, or have nasty dirty sex with Canada on your gunner's chair. What do?"

"NEIN!" shouted Germany. "You vill NOT take und poop on my con — VAIT VAT? !"

"Uh, yeah – what?" said Canada, all flustered. "Did you say … s-sex?"

"Mmm-hmm," I said happily. "Nasty dirty sex. Really funk up this chair for ya, Germany."

"But whyyyy?" asked Canada.

"Because dude. This'll really stick in his craw."

"You stay far away from my craw!" said Canada.

"What's a craw?" asked silly Italy.

"I don't think you have the balls, America," said Germany.

Oh no he didn't. OH NO HE DI-INT. I have the balls. Big, low-swinging freedom-loving balls. Right in my liberty scrotum. How dare he challenge my ballosity! OH IT IS ON!

"OH IT IS ON!" I said to Germany. See? Told ya. "I'm gonna bang Canada so hard in your tank Nuremburg will feel it!"

"America, no!" said Canada.

"Shhh, Canada, I'm not talking to you."

"Noooooo!" whined Italy. "Our special tank!"

"Shhh, Italy," hushed Germany.

Which was kinda funny, because I realized how much Germany treated Italy like how I treated Canada. "Tcch. Lackeys. Am I right?" I said to Germany. "I bet Italy gets on your nerves just like ol' Maplederp over here."

"Hey!" shouted Canada.

"He probably annoys you all the time," I continued to Germany. "Spilling pasta sauce on your swastika, baking pizza in the ovens at the concentration camps—"

"AMERICA! !" shouted Canada. "That's so WRONG!"

"Oh, calm down. Whose side are you on anyway? Because I am ANTI-Nazi, thank you very much."

"I think you're all talk, America," said Germany. "You can crack offensive jokes, but I doubt you ever could follow through with your threat."

"OH? ?" I said, giving my voice an upward inflection.

"Don't encourage him!" said Canada.

"If anyone is a wuss here, it's Canada," I said to Germany. "He's the one you should be saying doesn't have the balls."

"EH? !" exclaimed Canada. "Excuse me? ! I'm not a coward!"

"Pfft … yeah, okay, whatever you say, dude."

"Need I remind you, America, that I was in this war way before you? I was out here fighting in the trenches, on the front lines, while you were back at home, nice and cozy, and profiting off of England."

BUUUUUURN!

On me :(

"Uh …" I said.

"You wouldn't have even joined this war if you weren't personally attacked by Japan," continued Canada. "So who is the brave one now, eh?"

"Hmmph!" I would have crossed my arms but there really wasn't enough room. "But you were only in this war because England made you. It was his war problem, and he forced you to help because you're not even independent from him. You're nothing but a Commonwealth bitch!"

BUUUUUUURN!

Oh him :)

"That's not true!" said Canada.

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Then bend over."

Canada was speechless like :O

There was a crackle on the radio. They had been silent. Then, breaking that awkward silence, I heard Italy exclaim in surprise, "Mama mia!"

"Shh, Italy!" said Germany.

"Yeah, shhh, Italy," I said. "Because I need to hear Canada's answer."

"Umm …" said Canada. "I don't know … if I can …"

"HA! I knew it, you don't got the balls. See, Germany? Canada's pussing out."

"Uh, good," said Germany. "I didn't vant you doing that in my chair in the first place."

"Then why did you dare us?"

"I didn't dare you! I said how dare you."

"Do you DOUBLE dare us?" I asked all excitedly. "Because we can't say no to a double dare, then we're total pussies. Those are the rules. Right, Canada?"

"Umm …"

"NEIN!" yelled Germany. "I didn't think you two vould go through with it. And I still don't."

"Oooohhhhh … Canada, that totally sounded like a double dare to me!"

"Ve~" said Italy. "America, it sounds to me like you just want to get in Canada's pants~"

"Be quiet, Italy …" I grumbled.

"When I said I don't think I can," said Canada. "I meant because this place is too cramped for me to bend over."

Awkward silence.

"So sit in his lap!" Italy said happily. "Oh — oops! I forgot this was a bad thing!"

"ITALYYYYYY!" yelled Germany.

"Chef Boyardee is right," I said to Canada. I patted the tops of my thighs. "Hop on."

Canada looked down to my lap. And swallowed.

"DO IT!"

"Okay — sorry! Jeez!"

"Scheisse …" swore Germany. "You're not actually doing it, are you?"

Canada stood up (well, as much as he could without wanging his head on the ceiling) and twisted himself to face me. He slid against the wall — we were that cramped, remember? Then, once facing the other way, he lifted one leg over me, and sat.

PLOP!

Right on my lap.

So then he was sitting on top of me, facing me. Though he wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Did you do it?" asked Italy.

"Yep!" I answered. "Canada is now sitting in my lap, so there!"

Yep, so there.

…

We looked around the tank. It was silent except the crackle of the radio. It was annoying.

…

"What, are you thinking of what you want for X-mas or something? !" I asked Canada sarcastically. "'Cuz I ain't Santa, so take off your pants already."

"Oh." Canada squirmed a little. "Right, sorry."

But when he went for his zipper, we realized this wasn't gonna be easy. There was like no space! So we wiggled and squirmed and bumped into each other and the wall (and the ammo, yikes) but, finally, FINALLY, we got our pants and underwear off. Fuck our coats and shirts, it was cold in that tank! We kept them on, oh yeah.

The whole time we were wrestling out clothes off we were like "ow" and "damn" and "sorry" (well, Canada said "sorry".) I finished first and sat back down in the chair.

"How do you like this, Germany?" I taunted. "My naked ass is touching your precious seat!" I rubbed my butt on the chair. "I'm rubbing my butt on it right now, haha!" Told ya. "All my American ass germs touching your Nazi seat."

"NOOOOOO!" yelled Germany on the radio. "Mein special chair! You are ruining it!"

Rub rub rub. "Hehe, yeah." Tank trolling like a boss.

"How vill I ever disinfect it now? !" cried Germany. "It vill take so much cleaning!"

"Yeah, my balls are rubbing against the seat a little too," I said. I was spreading my legs and leaning back so that I did that on purpose, LOL! "My balls you said I didn't have? Currently being dragged back and forth against your chair, pubes and all."

"SCHEISSE!" cursed Germany.

"Uh, America!" said Canada, sounding annoyed for some reason. He leaned on me — oops, I forgot he was pressed against the wall waiting for me. "Are you gonna let me sit back in your lap?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah! Pop a squat." I stopped rubbing my bits on the chair. Probably for the best. Can you imagine getting something like carpet burn there? YIKES. That's a battle wound you don't wanna write back home about, LOL.

Plus, I'd like to keep my balls. If I kept that up and Germany captured me one day, he'd probably have them cut off. Castrate me, like a piggy and I'd squeal like one too! Like EEEEEEE! Because Nazis sterilize people in case you didn't know that. It's called eugenics or ebonics or something like that. *The moar you know*

So back to this tanky story. Canada sat back in my lap. And it was weirder, because neither of us had any pants and now the bottom of his bare thighs were touching the tops of my bare thighs and neither of us had taken a proper shower in quite a while. This was war, after all! There's so time for scrub-a-dub-dubbing when you're playing mine field hopscotch and shells are flying over your head, ya know? So we were both quite dirty. A bit muddy from the fields, sooty from the gun powder, sweaty from being a man and not having Old Spice. Y'all seen them commercials? They make me feel inadequate :( And want a horse for some reason …

But it was okey that we were dirty. I WANTED this dirty. I wanted some dirty sex. Because the nastier this was, the more Germany would get pissed. And the moar he got pissed, the moar lulz were to be had. And that was why I was doing this, boys and girls.

That and I haven't gotten any shore leave in quite some time. Colonel Cockblocker made sure of that! I hate that guy …

But he wasn't here and my cock was freeee! Freedom is the American way! Yes, it and its hot cousin Liberty, together with life and the pursuit of happiness. My penis was in pursuit of happiness ;)

(And that pursuit would be up Canada's ass if all goes according to plan! :D )

It was about this time, as Canada sat awkwardly on my lap — facing me, but not looking me in the actual face — that I realized something. Despite both of us being sans the pants, neither of us had checked out each other's junk yet. I don't know if it was shyness or awkwardness or in my case getting too distracted by my own thoughts about how I hadn't showered at war and smoking hot Lady Liberty … but we just hadn't. I think Canada realized it at the same time as me, because he finally looked me in the eye and said, "Oh, sorry!"

Though what was there to be nervous about? Canada and me looked the same. Thus so will our junk. It'll be almost like masturbating, in a way, ya know? Which is either really narcissistic or really kinky, and I don't want to hear your Freudian psychobabble BS analysis of it so save it.

… well, that is what I thought, anyway. Until I, you know, actually looked at his crotch. Then I was gaping all kinds of hardcore! :O

And so was Canada when he saw me! :O

"Whoa, dude!" I said, not taking my eyes off of his mini hockey stick.

Canada couldn't look away from my mini … uh … baseball bat? Friggin' sports metaphors … "What did you do to yourself? !" he asked, all shocked.

"What DIDN'T you do to yourself? !" I replied to his question with another question. People love that /LOL sarcasm.

In case you were wondering, no I am not penisly deformed! Canada was the FREAK. With his uncircumcised self. Eeeeww! ! Just like the filthy Eurotrash!

"I don't see why you went and had that done," said Canada, still eyeing me like I had two heads. (Nope, I only had one down there! It's just cut.)

"It's cleaner!" I said like it was obvious. "And it looks nicer! I don't gotta worry about dick cheese, eeww!"

Canada gave me a weird look. "Eh? Is it that hard to lift the skin and wash underneath? This is why your country is stereotyped as lazy …"

"WE ARE AT WAR! ! THERE IS NO TIME FOR PLAYING SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB WITH YOUR DING-A-LING! !"

Come on now! This is serious times! War, people! WAR! Never mind I got this done way before the war. STILL! "I bet Germany knows what I'm talking about," I said toward the radio. "Y'all are taking this war pretty serious." UNDERSTATEMENT. "There's no time for playing around with yourself, am I right?"

"I refuse to give away any of my country's secrets," said Germany. Hmm, yeah. Nazi secrets! I don't wanna know what they do in the showers …

"Hardly any of Europe is circumcised," said Canada. "You're the weird one, America."

"I have phimosis!" Italy said happily.

"Shhh," said Germany. "Don't tell them that."

"Oh? Italian military secrets?" asked Italy.

"No, it's just embarrassing."

LOLOLOLOL! I was lolling without even knowing what that word meant.

"Well, you know what, Canada?" I asked Canada, though that was probably obvious by the fact that I said his name. It would have been dumb if I was talking to someone else, am I right? "I'm actually glad you're uncut. Because it just makes this even dirtier."

HEHEHE.

"It's not dirty!" whined Canada, but I knew he was a liar, because remember? Neither of us has showered? … yeah.

"Come on." I grabbed his foreskinny cock. Yep, a whole handful of that all-natural Canadian manmeat. "Let's get each other hard so we can do this already."

Canada squeaked when I grabbed him like that. Like EEP! Just like a beaver. Haha, just kidding, I dunno WTF beavers sound like.

"O-oh, okay," said Canada.

"Oops, just kidding," I said, pulling my hand away. I spat on it, then grabbed him again. "There we go." Canada was flaccid. It's not very sexy tiems like that, so I pumped my hand over him to make him hard.

He shuddered, leaning closer to me. He leaned into my chest as I jacked him off.

I pushed him back. "Hey!" I said, getting totally annoyed. "Do me too! Don't be a selfish lover, jeez!"

"Oh! Uh — right." Canada took a deep breath. Then he reached toward my junk. I wasn't hard either, but when I felt his hand on me, I twitched in his fingers.

And he slowly starting stroking.

"Dude!" I said, still annoyed. "Don't just dry tug it! Friggin' spit or something."

"Sorry! Jeez!" Canada pulled his hand away and spat in it like he should have to begin with. Come on now, this is Fapping 101. He's got a penis, he should know these things. Unless he's a dry guy, and if that's the case, what a freak.

"Unnf."

Canada looked up from his jerking off hand to look at me. "Eh?"

Oops. That was a weird noise to make. But I was getting turned on and hard and I couldn't help it! :I

"Vat's going on? !" Germany demanded. "Vat is this about spitting? I demand to know!"

"HAHAHA!" I lolled. "We're jerking each other off on your chair. IN YO FACE! … and also yo chair, though I already established that."

"Mein chair!" he exclaimed. "Tainted with germs from Allied …" Germany's voice dropped to a whisper, like he was ashamed to say it, "… penises."

Allied penises. LOL!

I could feel Canada plumping up in my hand. His face was scrunched tight as I stroked. He was definitely enjoying this! So it was totally a dick move (literally LOL!) when I suddenly pulled my hand away.

Canada gasped, his eyes quickly opening. "Eh? Why'd you stop?"

I wiped my hand on the edge of the seat. Dragged it along, leaving a trail of Allied penis germs, spit, and the slightest trickle of precum behind.

"Oops!" I said very fakely. "I just wiped my sticky hand all over your seat, Germany! How do you like them sauerkrauts?"

"MEIN CHAIR! !" he sobbed.

"This is war." I squeezed Canada's cock again. Very tightly. Perhaps too tightly, because he choked a little when I did it. "Deal with it."

"You vill pay for this, America," said Germany. "Because this is certainly NOT wunderbar."

"Huh?" I was confused because I thought for a second he said Wonderball. Haha, y'all remember them things? From Disney? The chocolate balls with candy and crap inside? Mmm. Those were the days …

"America!" said Italy. "You can't see through the radio but I'm waving a white flag! I surrender! Just please don't stuff Canada's calzone in Germany's tank! He will get mad!"

"Knock that off!" shouted Germany. "Stop surrendering all the time! Grow und pair and throw that white flag away!"

"See? !" said Italy. "I don't want him yelling at meeeeee!"

"Haha, you and France have the same national flag," I said, still beating Canada off. Don't worry though, he was returning the favor ;) Canada was better at handies than I thought! He was really spanking it for me! :D I was gonna cum pretty fast at this rate. Soooo …

"Sorry, Italy," I said. "But you and your fascist spaghetti are the enemy. So I am gonna fuck the hell out of my ally in your enemy tank. Such is the horrors of war."

"Nooooo!" cried Italy, being all kinds of dramatic.

"I'm gonna do it so that every time you get in this tank, sit in this chair, you'll think of me. And whatshisname. Banging in the ass. Hard. Fast. Rough. Dirty. Nasty. Alliedy. Leaving all kinds of Allied germs and fluids. It'll be gayer in here than the Enola … Gay. Damnit, I botched that joke but you get what I meant."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Italy. "Japan! You're bleeding!"

"Japan? !" I also exclaimed, still furiously fapping Canada, who was starting to lean into me with his eyes closed. "Wait — he's there too? !"

"Yeah!" said Italy. "He's just a quiet guy."

"Japan, we must control your bleeding immediately," said Germany. "This is the most intense nosebleed I have ever vitnessed."

"WOW!" I said excitedly. "I'm not even there and I cause battle wounds! SCORE! Us Allies rule! Right, Canada?"

His face was pressed into my jacket as he (blindly? ?) stroked me. "… mmph."

"What?"

"…" The only answer was faster stroking! From him. To me. On my cock.

Good answer :D

"Mmm, yeah …" I said. "Because we're the … g-good guys and … shit that feels good …"

"Oh no!" I heard Japan say. "Prease! Do not trouble yourselves over me!"

"But you're bleeding!" said Italy.

"Yes. But nosebreeds are quite common in my home. In response to certain … stimuli …"

"Japan," said Germany. "If you are implying vat I think you are implying, may I remind you ve are at VAR?"

"Vore?" asked Japan in a weird (excited?) voice. "Oh — you mean war. I see. And yes, I apologize, Germany-san. It is wrong. But it is invoruntary."

Speaking of involuntary things …

"Mmm – oh!" said Canada suddenly. He quickly sat back, pushing my hand away. "S-stop."

I pulled my sticky hand away. "What's wrong?"

"I — was about to … you know …"

"Oh!" said Italy. "Were you about to marinate your white clam sauce before your pasta noodle was ready? !"

"ITALYYYYYY!" wailed Germany.

"Whaaaaat?"

"My goodness," said Japan. "I am going to sit down for a bit. I feel right-headed."

"Japan!" cried Italy. "Your nosebleed looks even worse!"

"Please be quiet, Italy-san. We mustn't give away important military secrets."

"Oh — right! Of course!"

"Pssst," I whispered to Canada. "I think it's time. You ready to do this or what?"

"I suppose," sighed Canada. "We've come this far." What a weird sentence. Made me wonder how far I could actually cum. Like if it was a contest, who could shoot their load the farthest. Would I win against the other countries? I shall have to speak with the Olympics peoples about this.

"Do you have any lube?" asked Canada.

"Oh yeah," I said sarcastically. "I just carry little bottles of anal lube on the battlefield with me even though we don't even always have food let alone luxuries—NO I DON'T HAVE ANY LUBE. Duh, jeez."

"You don't have to be so rude! A simple no would have been fine."

"NO."

Canada sighed. "This is probably gonna hurt."

"How many times do we have to say this? This is war. There is no lube at war. Everything is rationed."

"… lube rations?" asked Canada.

"Mmyep. But don't worry! I have a backup plan!" It's like I always say! When in doubt, just spit it out! And not just your normal spit. No, that's barely a step above water. No, I mean the stuff way in the back of your throat. Where you snort and get the phlegm in it. Like a loogie. That's the quality stuff!

And that's what I spat in my hand.

Canada made a grossed out face when I did that.

"Whaaaat?" I said defensively. "This is thicker and slicker than regular spit!" Think like, oysters, you guys.

"What's going on?" asked Italy. "I can't seeee!"

"Y-yes," said Japan. "Describe it, prease."

Germany growled. "Stop encouraging them! Whose side are you two on? !"

Ha ha! They got in trouble~

"I'll describe it!" I said. "Wouldn't want y'all to miss one nasty detail!"

"Scheisse—"

"Right now …" I interrupted Germany. "I got my hand covered in snotty spit, and I'm rubbing it between my fingers. Getting them good and slick."

Canada was watching my fingers intently. "I can't believe I'm letting you do this."

I stopped and brought two fingers together. "Oh?"

"… I also can't believe I actually want this."

My hand reached behind Canada. It curved around his hip. "Because you want to piss off the enemy? Or are you just horny?"

"Umm … a bit of both, I guess."

"Hehe. Me too!"

My hand rummaged all around. Canada squirmed in my lap as I prodded around for the hole. He reached back and spread his ass cheeks a bit for me.

Yay, a hint!

"Oh, here it is," I said, slipping in the two wet fingers.

Immediately, Canada gasped, leaning on my chest again. I let him. I'm so nice!

"I just stuck two fingers inside him," I said, narrating for my enemies. "Now I'm feeling inside. Feels warm and tight and assy. I'm sliding my fingers in and out, against his ass walls, getting them all wet up in there with my phlegmy spit, stretching him so my cock will fit. Mmm, yeah. It's hot as fuck." I was like Morgan Freeman with that awesome narration, oh yeah!

"Oh my," said Japan.

"Mama mia!" said Italy.

"GRRRGHHGRRGGHHH …!" said Germany. He sounded PISSED.

I pushed and pulled my fingers in and out of Canada. He made these noises like little huffs and closed his eyes. His face was buried in my jacket again.

"You good?" I asked, eager to bury something of mine too. (My cock in his ass.)

Canada's such a quiet guy. He didn't give me a wordy answer. His answer was bucking back down toward me.

Yep, he was riding my fingers. Pushed them faster and harder and deeper into his ass.

"Hmm," I said. "I'm gonna take that as a yes."

"Mein gott …" said Germany, who was apparently good at figuring out context clues.

"I'm taking my fingers out," I said as I … well, took my fingers out, duh. Weren't you reading? Pay attention!

Canada made like a whimpering noises when I did that. "Hurry up!" he said.

"Dude, don't boss me around." I wiped my hand off on the seat. Hehe, take that, Germany! More asstacular germs on your Nazi seat. Hey, why isn't there a T in Nazi? Looks like it's pronounced Na-zee. I guess it's like how sometimes you write like a common word you've seen a million times before but you second guess yourself and are like 'is that right?' Not that Nazi is an everyday word but you know what I mean.

Canada spread himself wider for me. I grabbed my cock, getting ready to put it in. "I'm getting ready to put it in!" I proudly announced.

"You are und liar!" said Germany. "You von't actually go through vith it! … vill you?"

"I bet he will!" said Italy.

"I vasn't talking to you, Italy!"

"Both of you, shut up," I said. "I want you to hear the noise Canada makes when I do put it in."

"You are a sick, sick—"

"SHHH!" I interrupted Germany. "I'm doing it! Listen to the sounds of ALLIED PASSION!"

So I entered him. A bit forcefully, but that was for a reaction. One quick thrust up and I was inside him. The inches disappeared in seconds, then I was completely in,

Canada tensed and leaned into my chest again. But he didn't make a sound.

FFFFFFF—

"Canada!" I whispered, my cock inside him but not moving. "Why didn't you make a noise? You're killin' me here …"

Canada took a deep breath and said, "I'm usually pretty quiet … including during … you know …"

"You're making me look bad! "

"I don't hear anything," said Germany. "You are bluffing."

"Nooo, I'm not!" I said. "Just listen! Ahem." I did my best Canada impression. I gasped loudly and said, "EH! ! OH AMERICA! YOU'RE SO BIG AND THICK EH! ! FEELS SO GOOD, NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOOT EH! ! ! OHH MAPLE …!"

On the radio, Germany just nervously cleared his throat.

"I don't sound like that," whispered Canada.

"Close enough."

"I told you I'm quiet duringgg … urrggh …" And then Canada kinda just trailed off. I shut him up with my dick. He told me he was quiet during sex, and I was tired of listening to him complain, so it just made sense! I started thrusting up into him.

As I started a rhythm, Canada leaned even deeper into my chest, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"Vat is going on now?" demanded Germany. "I don't hear much!"

I thrust harder. "Oh? You can't hear that slap slap slap of skin right now?"

"Hmm …" It sounded like Germany was pondering this.

"Ooh, ooh!" said Italy excitedly. "I hear it! I like that sound! Reminds me of wet noodles, veee~"

"QUIET ITALY!" roared Germany.

"Yeah, quiet Italy!" said me. "So that Germany can hear the slappy sounds of wet manmeat."

That is what it sounded like, boys and girls. Because I was really giving it to Canada good! Such a thorough fucking in such an epic place needed narration.

"Since you can't see what's going on," I started, "I will keep describing it to you! I'm still sitting in YOUR Nazi (sp? That right?) chair, with Canada in my lap. And my penis is going in and out of his anus. Like fast and hard. Umm … yep."

Mmm, yeah. That was a pretty hot description, am I right? I'm a regular erotic Shakespeare. You could print that crap and sell it at Barnes and Noble under the Romance/ Sexy section. I'll give you a minute to change your panties because I'm sure my two sentence description to Germany made you all wet, am I right?

You good? I'll continue.

"Oh yeah," I said, still thrusting hard into him. "I'm banging him so good that … that … it's good. You should see it, Germany! Me fucking the crap out of England here — oops, I mean Canada. Haha, forgot who I was having sex with for a minute there."

"Hey!" said Canada, lifting his head off my chest.

"What? It's your fault for being so forgettable!"

Canada lay his head back. "Yeah, you're probably right …"

LOL, that was a close one! ;)

But back to the trolling, hehe.

"This is some dirty sex," I said. "Or at least, it WILL be. You know why, Germany?"

"I do not vant to know …"

"Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway, haha! Because we are gonna make such a mess …"

"Scheisse! I hate messes!"

"I know, right? But this is gonna be more work than cleaning up marinara sauce after Italy. It's gonna be nas-TAY!"

"America, how did you know about my mari—"

I cut Italy off. "Guess what I'm gonna do when I cum, you guys."

"… be done?" said Germany.

"Get some post-sex pizza?" said Italy.

"Cry?" said Japan. LOL WTF?

"Haha, Japan, I forgot you were there," I said. "BUT NO! I will pull out just before so that I can cum all over your radio."

"Not mein radio!" exclaimed Germany.

"Holy macaroni!" exclaimed Italy.

"Oh, I was expecting something kinkier," said Japan.

"Whaa!" Well, crap! I can't be outdone by a member of the Axis' perverted mind! I needed to THINK. But it's hard to think when you're hard. And pounding someone in the ass. You didn't forget about that, did you?

"Actually …" I said. "I'll cum in my hand, and then with my sticky fingers, I will write 'USA RULES!' with my cum on your radio." I paused to listen to that awkward silence. "Hehe, yeah. Kinky enough for you, Japan?"

"No. I was still expecting something more than that."

GRRR! I'm not that perverted! How can the Allies lose the war on perversion? I will not be outdone! !

"That's a lot of letters," said Germany. "I don't think you can do that. I am analyzing this and I don't think there will be enough semen for that many letters. You are bluffing."

"Yeah, that would take a lot of man-fredo sauce!" said Italy.

"Italy … I told you to be quiet …"

"Pssh, how do y'all know how much I'll cum?" I asked. "Allied loads are huge. WHOO, go Allies! Right, Canada?"

"…"

"Boy, you really are quiet during sex!"

Canada started rocking back against me. He bucked down, meeting my thrusts. Which was cool because then it was like I only had to do half the work!

"Okay, Japan," I started. "How's about this? When Canada cums, I'm gonna wipe it on the seat. Like aaalll over. Really rub the wad in there. So then every time Germany sees that stain, he will think of me, taking Canada to poundtown in his own personal tank."

"Whoa, Germany!" exclaimed Italy. "You're throwing up!"

I heard these gross retching sounds, like BLAAAARGH! ! "There goes mein schnitzel I had for lunch …" Germany muttered.

"I see it!" said Italy.

HAHAHA EEW! ! I made him throw up! *Patriotic salute* Victory for the Allied Powers.

"Prease," said Japan. "That is nothing kinky. Where is your creativity, America?"

"Hey! I'm creative!"

"Everything you say is so … vanilla."

"PSSSSH!"

How could I out-pervert Japan? ! Land of dirty panties in vending machines, tentacle porn, and those creepy body pillows with pictures of characters on them? ! How could I compete with THAT? !

Well, I had to try. After all, this was war.

"And after we are done, I'll let everything drip out of Canada. And onto your seat. That frothy santorum, seeping into the chair, making a stain …"

"Still not as kinky as what I'm thinking of …" said Japan. "I am imagining it now … oh my. Quite graphic. I cannot bring myself to exprain it, it is so scandarous. It is … well …" Silence …

"Japan?" said Italy. "Are you okay?"

I heard a thump.

"JAPAN! !"

"Mein gott, Japan!" shouted Germany. "Vake up! Can you hear me? !"

"Oh, no! He fainted, Germany!"

"Ja. I suppose from the extreme blood loss."

I was listening to all this like LOL WUT? But cool! I took down an enemy from miles away! By the power of imagination alone! GO TEAM ALLIES! We're the good guys :D

Poor, poor Japan. The yaoi force was strong in that one.

"Go get some towels, Italy," said Germany.

"Aye, aye, Captain!" said Italy.

"Yeah, get some towels, Italy!" I said. "You'll need them for cleaning up our mess, HA! You know? For all the sexy stains and juices and whatnot? Though I have covered this already."

"He's gone," said Germany. "Getting towels."

"Oh. Right." /derp "Well … uh … same to you, Germany. You're gonna have quite the mess to clean inside this tank!"

I heard Germany sigh. "I vill have to use much bleach to sanitize that chair."

"You'll have to use so much bleach the chair will turn whiter than your plan for … uh …" I trailed off because I thought Canada would stop me from making another Nazi joke like he kinda has before. But he didn't. He was really riding the hell outta me. And apparently, not paying attention to what I was saying at all.

"Yo, Canada," I said, half assly thrusting because he was doing most of the work at this point. He still had his face buried deep in my jacket, pressed to my chest, and his arms around my neck.

He was pretty quiet, except for breathing pretty funny. From the way it sounded, and how frantically he was bucking down on me, I knew that he was close.

I wasn't, but that was probably because I was distracted with all this talking/ trolling. (Though maybe that was a good thing because normally I only last like a minute or two and that would have been embarrassing in front of my enemies, am I right? !)

"… you ignoring me?"

Canada ignored me.

WELL FINE.

"I'm back!" said Italy's voice. "Hey, Germany! Did you tell them yet that's the chair we have sex in all the time too?"

"…" said me.

"…" said Germany.

"…" said Canada, though he wasn't listening.

"…" said Japan, because he was still unconscious.

Such awkward, awkward silence as I realized what Italy said.

They … have … sex … in … THIS … chair?

D:

EEEEWWWWW!

"No, Italy," said Germany, sounding annoyed. "No, I did not."

"Oh, not yet? Oops! Sorry!"

OH GOD! ! Germany and Italy? ! Having the sex? ! WTF! ! I wasn't expecting that! I started to imagine it … Germany sitting where I was sitting, with Italy in his lap like Canada was now in mine, face in my jacket. Italy taking Germany's big schnitzel and Italy probably saying stuff like "Vee~! Oh Germany! This is better than PASTAAAAAAAA!" or some crap like that.

UGH.

Wait a minute. They do it here? Where my bare ass is sitting? And touching their ass germs? And … where they had their fluids and crap seep out?

UGHH! ! Axis ass and semen germs! Touching me! ME! This was war and Axis sexy fluids were probably touching me! !

Nooooo D:

I was so grossed out that I actually started to go soft inside Canada. It was a total boner killer! And I didn't even care all that much because I was in the chair that Germany and Italy have sex in and crap I just could NOT get over that.

Canada hadn't been listening to me at all. He was doing his own thing, still bouncing on my cock like it was his job. I guess he felt me start to go soft, so he sped up … and finally made some noise.

Because he came. All over my jacket.

Well, that was not the plan! !

We were supposed to dirty the tank up! NOT ME! And my COOL JACKET!

But his cock was pressed up against it and it kinda just happened and I didn't think about it until it was too late.

"Canada!" I said, all pissed off. I pushed him back off my chest. "You jizzed all over my jacket! DUDE NOT COOL."

Canada slumped in my lap, like he was exhausted. "S-sorry …" he panted.

I looked at it. A white stain, right on the front. Now how the heck am I gonna get THAT out? They didn't have Tide to Go sticks back then! (Though they don't work too well on semen anyway.) (Don't ask me how I knew that.)

I was as soft as a Koosh ball at that point. I was past the point of no return. Hard to get off when you are so epically trolled like that. Because, damn. They got me good.

This was war, and they won this troll battle.

I slid my flaccid cock out of Canada. So much for my plans. My cum plans. None of that was gonna come out of me! They ruined everything!

"Whyyyyy? !" I sobbed. "Why did you two have to bang each other in this taaaaank? !"

"Because if we did it outside we might get ants in our pants," said Italy.

"Ja," said Germany.

Hmm, good point. No one wants ants in their pants.

"Oh, wow, would you look at the time!" I said, trying not to sound fake like I totally was. "Getting so late! G2G! TTYL! On the battlefield!"

"Signing off so soon, America?" asked Germany. "No witty response? No parting vow of revenge? No idiotic proclamation of Allied propaganda? I guess you are letting us off easy, ja?"

"Uh …" I stared at the radio. "SEACREST OUT." Then I switched it off.

LIKE A BOSS.

… so what if I got trolled. You guys still think I'm cool, right?

Ignore my fail, please :(

… especially my boner fail.

I looked down and realized Canada had fallen asleep on my lap. If you're thinking 'AWWWW' … no. Shut up. There is no sleeping at war.

I suddenly stood, making him tumble off of me. "DAMNIT CANADA! WAKE UP AND HELP ME FIND SOME PAINT! We got some penises to draw."

X

EPIC-LOGUE

So there I was, squatting behind my tent, at the American/ Canadian encampment, naked. Giving myself the closest thing to a shower I could — a sponge bath with a bucket of cold water.

I just HAD to clean myself. After what happened? I just felt so dirty! I could get over mud and soot and blood splatter. But Axis sex germs? Um, no. That's not cool.

I scrubbed myself with the sponge furiously. Like SCRUBSCRUBSCRUB. I was going a little crazy!

Clean ALL the germs!

As I washed, Canada approached me from behind.

"Hey," he said.

"What do YOU want? !" I snapped, standing up and turning around to face him. "Here to take a bath with me and show me how you have to lift up your foreskin to clean yourself so you don't get dick cheese? !"

"Whoa!" exclaimed Canada, putting his arms up. "Calm down! Where did that come from? !"

"Sorry, I just can't get the mental image of Germany and Italy going at it out of my head and I know they're not circumcised too and they're Nazis and fascists and we sat where THEY sat during … ARRGH!"

"Whoa, America! You're still that upset about it? !"

I scrubbed my belly. "Yes," I pouted.

"It wasn't that bad … was it?"

"Dude! They trolled the hell out of us! I don't know if I've ever been trolled so hard in my entire life. I near about checked myself into the medical tent for such a severe trolling!"

Canada shrugged. "We made Japan collapse. That's something, eh?"

"Whatever." I was still pouting.

"America, this is war. One battle at a time, eh? A small victory is still a victory. You should be proud."

I threw the sponge back in the bucket. "I guess you're right."

"I am. Say, I have an idea that might cheer you up."

"YEAH?"

"Since you didn't get to … you know … finish …"

"… yeah?"

Canada looked away nervously. "I was thinking we could put that tactic to use one more time." When I gave him a confused look he said. "… you know, Hungary is in the Axis."

Took me a minute. Then I grinned real big :D

"Oh yeah! She is a big fan of the mans-on-mans buttsucks, isn't she?"

"She is. What do you say we give her a nosebleed that knocks her out too?"

I looked at him hopefully. "Can … can we do it on top of Austria's piano?"

Canada shrugged. "Sure."

"OH BOY! Epic trolling, here we come!"

Then Canada muttered something under his breath. "I wonder if I have the heart to tell him I'm sure Hungary and Austria have done it there a million times …"

"What was that, Canada?"

"Um, nothing."

(The end!)


End file.
